About me.

I honestly can’t really pinpoint when it all started. There has been so much that has happened and to be completely honest, my brain doesn’t work the same anymore.

Words are different now.

Feeling is my primary language and words I lose all the time. No longer do they belong in a structure to be contained.

They are free to express in any form—before, after; above, below; inside or out… it’s all art.

But, others struggle to understand, so I don’t talk much to anyone anymore. I’m a bit out of practice.

I will do my best to stand in a structure long enough to try to explain me before arriving at me now.

This is me healing.

At some point in the last five years, I realized my life seemed rigged. Like, I was on an episode of Punk’d.

My life portfolio is extremely diversified, colorful, and unsuspecting.

The moment when everything began to change in my reality was when I fainted. I’ve never fainted… scratch that…. when I was in fourth grade, there was a bout of self-administered faintings.

You ever do that? Crouched over, hands on your knees, greedily heaving oxygen. You do a couple more things (I won’t mention because I don’t want my younger audience to take notes on how to irradiate their brain cells) until you woke up on the floor?

That was so fascinating to me. To lose time like that.

Well, it happened in real life a few years ago and not on purpose. As I dropped, I heard, “your heart is not okay.”

I saw dark scales and a series of red and gold bunnies dancing around like those little things you point toward the sun and twist to make the shapes melt into other shapes.

I woke up to the sun caressing my cheeks and kissing my eye lids…and a little black, anxiety-ridden mini poodle named, Luna, panic-licking my face. I really scared her.

Things just seems different when I woke up. Like, I could no longer tolerate mistreatment. I would get so angry (inside). Because at this point, I was still struggling heavily… HEAVILY…with pleasing everyone and anyone because I was DESPERATE to be accepted and so afraid of being rejected. This stemmed from being sold and left at an orphanage in Korea when I was a child because I made the family “colorful”. Unsuspecting, right?

Interesting that I couldn’t see that I was already rejected by those around me simply found in the things I tolerated. I really wanted to feel I was a part of something. I was afraid of being alone.

Why are we so afraid of being alone? It has to be primitive. To be outcasted meant death—survival on our own. Was it really that hard?

Yes. Yes it was. I can tell you from experience because that’s exactly what I did.

I began to reject the life that rejected me. Not in retaliation, but in love. Love for the child who was rejected as a stain and abandoned at that orphanage.

I had to really believe in myself and my purpose. Like REALLY, REALLY believe in my Self. My intuition. My heart.

I began my shadow work. This was the first form of self-love. Curiosity. Asking why not to solve, but to love.

I had to start working on loving my heart, my Spirit.

As things were revealed and my reality continued to get uglier, staying true and faithful to my Self was/is my highest and rawest form of love.

I will not abandon my Self. Not for money. Not for external acceptance. Not for comfort.

I can sit in the fire and smile, knowing I will no longer contort in unusual ways just to be tolerated.

All versions of the past, present and future I believe in.

Things got really crazy. They’re still crazy, and I’m still smiling pretty in that fire.

In the month of June 2024, I was T-boned by two trucks (driver’s side), left my husband, and went on FMLA that paid me six figures to tolerate toxic, soul-sucking mistreatment as an experiment to see how much abuse a person would tolerate for money. I quit in November.

Tomorrow, I will sit with a lawyer who will help me (pro bono because I can’t afford it) file for divorce and submit an Ex-Parte so that I can hopefully sell my house before it’s foreclosed on or grant me the ability to pull funds from my 401K so that I can provide shelter for my. children without consent form a non-resposive partner. Those little details will getcha caught in a web created by people who enjoy watching people squirm.

I won’t squirm. I haven’t and I won’t I won't abandon my Self.

This is my Spirit clearing the way for me and I welcomed the lessons that come with the clearing. Every lesson was/is extremely and excruciatingly painful but I have and will get through it.

The community stonewalling and icing out was the topping on the cake that ripped my throat as it went down because my children felt it the most. My son was assaulted by his teacher and the school gaslit me for a whole year as I tried to fight it. The military base the school is on assisted in shutting it down. This reversal of support for an adult that body checked my 11 year old son because she was angry with him may have resulted in my son believing his worth was not greater than the teacher the system valued.

Is this the world we live in now?

As a mother watching her children being iced out from a community they were once a part of is a because their mother chose to heal is an experience that requires some other worldly restraint, or delusion. I stopped working for that base and the base shut us down. I separated from a military member, and we were iced out. I do understand this is all from my perspective, but I also understand there was no attempt to alter or change that perspective even with all the documentation to support my perspective.

What do you do when the world you live in gets too big and bullies you? I felt so small. But, my ability to contort has been lost because of the fire. I was now being molded. A small pocketknife, I was, but I could no longer bend.

I understood everything that was happening as being a part of the process of growing and healing.

I understood, heartbreakingly, everything my children were going through will also etch into their life experience, their own lessons that will one day assist them in their journey. I can be the voice in the back of their minds while the world rips us apart. I can remind them of their purpose. I can remind them the world only rips apart those that resist and we are on a rollercoaster ride against the grain. I tell them to watch how strong love truly is.

Love always wins. There will be balance. Watch.

This was the only way for me not to lose my mind—this faith. It was the only thing that prevented me from burning down the world while taking myself out with it. If I gave in, my sons would also eventually, and would’ve failed as their trusted guide in this lifetime.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized the lesson underneath the pain. I can burn the world down, and I can take us out of it. There are laws that exist that can make this happen. Cosmic laws—unbreakable, non-negotiable and majestically defy the societal laws.

With the support of Cosmic Law, I will create a new world and give it to my children. They experienced this old world for a reason… to remember.

Am I delusional, or am I otherworldly?

We will see.

When I decided my purpose, I also set the intention to be the example—the way shower of how to attain abundance through love. Abundance not only financially—abundance of love, support, resources, good health, harmony…All the good stuff.

I know there are people who feel the same way. People who’ve experienced pain everyday wishing they lived in a world where that statement was an exaggeration. It truly is unreal… literally, un real. But also, those very same people are transmuting that pain into love. Love for others in many, so many beautiful ways.

There are people who have this desire to transmute but are struggling to see through their pain right now.

Our pain is amplified because we allow it to penetrate every version and possibility of us, of our being.

I can see the child. The child who feels the pain.

We are all children trying to make it hurt less, but our present instruction isn’t about healing, patience and grace.

We can change that.

If you think about it in terms of our world as a dysfunctional family, we all just want to be good so that we can be loved and cared for.

We want to be accepted.

We want to feel warmth.

We want to feel safe.

Come. Let’s build this warm world together.

Gaia Sanctuary 11:11 is the siren’s song, calling you in.

Let’s rebuild the world that once was; restore the symbiosis with Mama Gaia; rebuild the trust in the relationships with those that have gone into hiding.

Let’s show what is possible when we let love lead.

It all starts with your heart.